Love, Sex, and Marriage in Ancient Rome: Power, Passion, and Patriarchy

In Ancient Rome, love and marriage weren’t private, romantic matters — they were ruled by patriarchy. At the center of Roman family life was the pater familias, the male head of the household, who had full authority over his wife, children, and even slaves. This power dynamic was rooted in myth: the legend of Rome’s founding tells how Romulus killed his twin brother Remus and established the city in 753 BCE — an origin story soaked in male dominance.

Not long after, another foundational myth took shape: the Rape of the Sabine Women. Roman men, short on wives, abducted women from neighboring tribes. When those tribes tried to fight back, Hersilia, one of the captured women and now Romulus’ wife, intervened. She convinced the others to stay and prevent bloodshed. This story, whether historical or not, set the tone: in Roman society, men held the power, and women were expected to accept and adapt to it.

Marriage: A Social Contract, Not a Love Story

Marriage in Rome was often more of a business deal than a romantic union. Among the upper classes, it was about producing children and forming alliances. Romantic love, though admired in poetry, was seen as a luxury — something that some couples might enjoy, but many wouldn’t.

Still, that doesn’t mean love didn’t exist. Letters, epitaphs, and inscriptions show evidence of deep, affectionate marriages. But more often, passion was found outside of wedlock, in affairs and liaisons — and this is where Roman poets stepped in.

Poets and Passion

Much of what we know about love in Ancient Rome comes from poetry. Catullus (c. 85–54 BCE) is perhaps the most famous example. He wrote 25 poems to “Lesbia,” a pseudonym for Clodia, a married woman and the wife of statesman Metellus Celer. Their marriage was cold and combative, but Catullus burned with devotion for her. In Poem 5, he writes:

“Lesbia, come, let us live and love and be
Deaf to the vile jabber of the ugly old fools;
…
Give me a thousand kisses and another hundred,
Another thousand and, again, a hundred more…”

Yet his hopes were futile – Clodia could not divorce her husband to be with another man. Divorce in Rome was allowed, but only within social norms: for infertility, abuse, or neglect. A woman committing adultery could not use that as grounds for divorce, even if her husband did the same. After Augustus Caesar came to power, adultery laws became even stricter – Metellus Celer could have legally killed both Clodia and Catullus under these new rules.

Women’s Voices

Though rare, female voices also spoke of love. The only surviving female Roman poet, Sulpicia, daughter of jurist Servius Sulpicius Rufus, wrote openly of her love for a man named “Cerinthus” — likely a pseudonym, as her family disapproved.

In Poem 1, she wrote:

“I have finally fallen in love.
This is the kind of love that, if kept hidden, will benefit my reputation more
But revealing it… is likely to damage it.
…
I only want to be thought worthy of my worthy love.”

Sadly, the love didn’t last. Cerinthus was unfaithful, and in Poem 4 she lashes out:

“More concerned for that low-class whore in her slutty outfit than for Sulpicia, the daughter of Servius!”

Gods, Sex, and Social Norms

Roman religion mirrored this imbalance. The Dii Consentes — six divine couples including Jupiter and Juno, Mars and Venus — modeled relationships for humans. The male gods were free to cheat; the female gods were expected to remain virtuous. This divine double standard reinforced sexual norms in society.

Prostitution, for instance, was legal and common – for both men and women. Male citizens often visited brothels or had casual partners, including women, boys, or men (as long as the partner wasn’t a freeborn Roman). Roman society didn’t differentiate between heterosexual or homosexual acts — only between socially “acceptable” and “unacceptable” partners.

However, some acts crossed legal and moral lines:

• Castitas – violating a vow of chastity (e.g., a Vestal Virgin breaking her vow)
• Incestum – incest or defilement of a chaste person
• Raptus – abduction (even with consent, if the woman left without her father’s approval)
• Stuprum – sexual misconduct with a freeborn citizen

For married couples with problems, there was even a temple to the goddess Viriplaca (“man-placater”), where disputes could be resolved — usually in the husband’s favor.

Weddings and Rituals

Roman weddings varied by class but shared common traditions. There were three types of marriage:

1. Confarreatio – patrician marriage, with a ceremony involving spelt bread.
2. Coemptio – plebeian marriage, essentially a symbolic purchase of the bride.
3. Usus – common-law marriage after a year of cohabitation.

In a confarreatio wedding, omens were read beforehand. The bride would vow:

“When and where you are, Gaius, then and there I am, Gaia.”

The ceremony involved ten witnesses, sharing of cake, a feast, and a public procession. The groom “took” the bride from her mother — a nod to the Sabine myth and the old idea of marriage by capture.

The bride dropped coins along the way for luck, and the groom scattered sweets — much like throwing rice today. He then carried her over the threshold into their new home.

Girls could marry from age 12, boys from 15 — though men usually married later (around 26), as they were considered too impulsive before that.

Divorce and Reality

Despite the formality, divorce carried no stigma, and remarriage was normal — even expected. Under the Republic, divorce was rare, but in the Empire, marriage became less popular. Birth rates dropped, and Augustus had to incentivize large families with legal privileges.

Still, not all marriages were cold or strategic. Pliny the Younger wrote about a friend, Macrinus, who lost his wife after 39 happy years:

“This woman treated her husband with the greatest respect and indeed deserved the same in return… He had such a good thing for so long… and now feels the pain of what he’s lost.”

Yes, Ancient Rome was a patriarchal society where men set the rules — in politics, the home, and the bedroom. But within that framework, there was still space for love, longing, betrayal, poetry, and even mutual respect. Passion may have burned brighter outside the marriage bed, but affection and companionship were still possible — and very real — between husband and wife.